How to be a New Englander
It’s that time of year. When New Englander’s come into their own, and the cursed southern interlopers are forced to suffer. Indeed, it’s winter in New England.
To help you get in touch with your inner New Englander, a list:
- Don’t complain about the snow. You’re not a New Yorker, for God’s sake.
- If the storm drops less than 6″ of snow, make sure everyone knows “it’s not worth shoveling, let alone plowing.”
- Whenever someone complains about the snow, grunt, and say something cryptic like “That ain’t snow, now ’78, that was snow…7 feet deep, heavy as concrete and harder than steel.”
- If the temperature is anything above -20 and someone complains about the cold, loudly profess that “it’s a fine New England day.”
- Dress in layers and only wear what you need. Use suitably New England fabrics, like wool, or better yet, burlap.
- Find a hat that’s functional, yet completely devoid of style. Extra points are given for real fur (that you trapped yourself) and plaid.
- Disparage anyone who uses anything other than “Bear Grease” to waterproof their boots.
- Insist that “Bear Grease” is only made with the finest of bears…
- If clam chowder is any thicker than milk, complain that “it’s not chowder, it’s wallpaper paste.”
- If clam chowder has any herbs at all in it, call it “vegetable soup”.
- If clam chowder is red in color, proclaim the cook “a heathen who ought not to be seen north of the Tavern on the Green.”
- If the clam chowder meets the above criteria, and is generally good, declare it “edible, but not as good as my mothers.”
- If presented with a “boiled dinner” be sure to complain if it’s got a ham in it, instead of smoked shoulder. Refuse to admit that there is no substantive difference between the two.
- If someone stops for directions in a car with a Yankees sticker, or wearing a Yankees hat, feel free to give them turn by turn directions to the town dump…three towns away.
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